Gamechanger: Pandora Buys Ticketfly

THE DEETS: Pandora Media, Inc bought Ticketfly for $450 million.

WHAT?: You heard me.

WHY?: Pandora is a big player in the music biz. Ever heard of the “music genome project”? Obviously you have because you don’t live on Uranus. (For all you Uranians out there, it’s kinda like the “human genome project,” except with music). Anyways, apparently they had a spare $450 million dollar bill they were looking to spend.

BUT TICKETFLY ISN’T RADIO: I guess Pandora is trying to grow and evolve over time. Aren’t we all?

WHAT IS TICKETFLY?: So they were basically like “yo Ticketmaster sucks” and decided to sell tickets better. They were right, Ticketmaster does suck, and since competition breeds excellence, everybody’s happy.

EXCEPT TICKETMASTER: They don’t deserve to be happy.

EVERYBODY DESERVES HAPPINESS: I like your attitude.

WHAT NOW?: I don’t know, but a good attitude is a great place to start.

NO I MEANT WITH TICKETFLY: Oh, right. I guess they’re going to sell tickets still? Maybe they’ll integrate ticket sales into the Pandora radio experience, I’m not really sure.

COULDN’T YOU HAVE FIGURED THAT OUT BEFORE WRITING THIS?: Fine, I’ll see what else I can learn about any changes to either company. In the meantime, watch this inspiring video:

THAT WAS GREAT: I know, right? Ducks are awesome.

WHAT DID YOU LEARN: Pandora now claims to be the world’s most powerful music discovery platform. While they continue to connect music fans to artists, now they are able to connect the artists with the fans. Pretty cool, actually. The real treasure for Pandora, however, is data. What events are Pandora’s 3.3 million paying customers going to (not to mention the 78.2 million broke-ass free users like myself)? How much are which people willing to pay for what bands? Knowledge is power.

WHAT ABOUT THE USER EXPERIENCE?!: I’m no mindamatician or whatever, but both companies are legit as fuck and don’t need to change their respective user experiences. It’s really just an internal structure rearrangement.

DO BIRDS DREAM ABOUT HAVING ARMS?: I don’t see how that’s relevant.

WHAT’S NEXT FOR PANDORA: They’re going to change their name to “Pandicketfly.”

REALLY?: No that was a joke.

WHAT ELSE DOES THE PRESS RELEASE SAY?: Why don’t you just read it yourself? I’m just a guy with a deadline, okay? Cut me some slack.

TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOURSELF: Well color me flattered! You’re such a good listener.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE PANDORA STATION?: It’s all about context, obviously. In the car? Starfucker radio. With my parents? Huey Lewis & The News radio. Doing homework? I switch between Mozart radio and Count Basie radio. I need it to be upbeat and instrumental, but not familiar enough to be distracting.

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?: Spotify.

NO I MEAN WHAT ARTIST: Kurt Vile.

THIS ARTICLE IS ALMOST OVER, ISN’T IT?: Yeah it’s been done for a while now, but I’m enjoying our time together. Aren’t you?

YES THIS IS QUITE NICE: I’m glad you agree.

OKAY I’M GOING TO GO READ SOMETHING ELSE: Have fun, see you next week! Thanks for the memories!

OH YOU’RE SWEET: I do my best.

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