YOU: Health-conscious Californian, tech savvy but unwilling to sacrifice flavor for price.
YOUR BUDGET: Your budget is tight. You can’t afford all those fancy foods featured in health magazines. Gotta be frugal, for sure.
YOUR DIET: Fashionable. You’re up on the trends, down on your luck, and all over the place with your diet(s). You count calories, cut carbs, and constantly cook costly or crummy cuisine. Why can’t you just get nutritious food delivered to your door for less than the cost of going out?
YOU CAN: Yes that’s right, you read that correctly. It’s called Thistle and it’s only 10 dollars and 500 calories per meal. It’s also gluten and dairy-free, with the option for (free-range) chicken/beef, vegetarian or vegan. Unfortunately it’s servicing only the San Francisco Bay area at this time, so you’ll just have to be patient for now (unless you live in SF, in which case get over it already. We heard you, it sounds great. Put it back in the deck).
WHAT KIND OF FOOD?: Ah, so glad you asked. I was just getting to that, thank you. The food is seasonal and diverse, with elaborate names like Cardamom Overnight Oats w/ D’anjou Pears & Strawberries or “Cheesy” Baby Lacinato Salad w/ Great Northern Beans & Lemon Vinaigrette (with the option to add a Sous-Vide Chili Masala Chicken Breast). Lunches and dinners come with a corresponding protein option. “Dairy” products are in fact non-dairy and labeled thusly with quotation marks. The menu is posted two weeks in advance, so you know what you’re getting beforehand. This is important because the whole idea is not to worry about your meals (other than whether they’ll be delicious and/or nutritious). You’re a busy person. You’re so tired of your local, mediocre eateries every single day. You just want it done, and Thistle’s got you covered. “Put your diet on autopilot” they propose, “and start feeling amazing.” Goddammit Thistle you read my mind.
BUT I DON’T LIVE IN SF: I know, me neither. But it still sounds awesome, right? There’s a lotta good food out there, gotta go out and live a little. Pile on those potatoes, baby! Gimme that quinoa! Only 476 calories?! FUCK YEAH!
NO BUT I CAN’T BECAUSE I’M NOT FROM THERE: Hey if you’re just gonna keep putting me down I’m not gonna put up with it anymore. You can check that attitude at the door, my friend. It’s not getting you anywhere.
OKAY I GUESS IT’S STILL COOL: Yeah that’s what I thought. Life is about cooperation, know what I mean? Humanity and stuff. We’re all in this together. I’m glad you can appreciate that now.