List

POKELIST: RANKING EACH POKEMON GENERATION
July 15, 2016 12:41 pm

Upon downloading Pokemon Go and immediately choosing Charmander, the app was directing me towards two checkpoints closest to my house, a church and a McDonalds. I’ve read enough Thomas Pynchon (about 3 pages of V) to know that this whole thing has been a scam to reinvigorate capitalist strongholds that have been losing ground against snake people, so I deleted it right then and there.

I’m more of a purist when it comes to my love for Pokemon. I stick to the canonical video games, and not much else. I can’t even watch the show anymore without shouting about how terrible a trainer is. STOP GIVING AWAY YOUR POKEMON AND EVOLVE THAT FUCKING PIKACHU ALREADY, ASH. I hate you, Ash Ketchum. Truly, I do.

Unlike that dirt merchant from Pallet Town, each new game has gotten more sophisticated in its gameplay and denser with strategy. Every generation has its own unique traits to them, but there is no getting around the fact that there is definitely a pecking order when it comes to quality. Which is what I’ll be sorting out right now. I’ll be ranking each generation based on things like Starter Pokemon and overall new roster strength, Elite Four/Gym Trainer toughness, innovation, storyline, gameplay, and some other stuff probably. Let’s see where this goes.

ash

  1. Generation 3: Ruby/Sapphire/Emerald

Hybridized Pokemon types, the introduction of personalities, a deeper commitment to EV and IV training, running shoes! Dear God, I can not stress enough how much I love running shoes. The Elite Four was without a doubt the biggest cakewalk out of any generation, but the amount of all the aforementioned new features and the depth in trainable talent more than made up for it. I mean, you’ve got about 54 different Dragon types that are easily catchable to choose from, what more can you ask for?

  1. Generation 1: Blue/Red/Yellow

pokeAnd not even for the hokey ‘it was the game that started it all’ reason. Generation 1 still has the best storyline. Whether it’s Gary/Blue/Assface being the perfect antagonist measuring stick, the complete spookiness felt in Lavender Town graveyard, there is definitely a wider range of actual emotion that Red, Blue and Yellow wanted you to experience. Also, the game itself doesn’t revolve completely around a legendary Pokemon. Mewtwo is the only legendary Pokemon who was not featured on the game’s cover. Which is how it should be! Legendary Pokemon are crutches that should rot in Bill’s PC for all eternity. I have had this conviction ever since I started playing in grade school, which is probably why I had no friends and a bunch of level 100 Kadabras.

3. Generation 4: Diamond/Pearl/Platinum

Generation 4’s bosses blows everyone else’s out of the water. Especially Cynthia, whose only rival is Mt. Silver Red, but her team is way harder to strategize against than Red’s. The talent pool is also strong, they created some fun and interesting new ways to evolve Pokemon, and they gave birth to the almighty Garchomp. But I feel like they had some missed opportunities with maximizing other talent. First, I do not know why there are so many Fire/Fighting starter Pokemon now. Blaziken was awesome, and sure, Infernape is really great, too, but that doesn’t take away from the derivative nature. Also, why isn’t Luxray any better? Just check out how bad-ass Luxray looks, how is it not more of a legitimate threat? For shame.

4. Generation 5: Black/White 

Lotsa big swings in Generation 5. I, for one, adored the infinite TM loophole. That was the epitome of a gift that kept on giving. And from top to bottom, this is the most experimental they got with Pokemon types. Yes, there was a Normal/Grass for some reason. Bug/Fire? Sure, why not. You know what, for your trouble, I’ll even throw in a Ground/Electric, which is the epitome of self hatred. All of that, however, and we STILL had a starter Pokemon who was Fire/Fighting. Please, make it stop. 

5. Generation 2: Gol/Silver/Crystal 

Do not get me wrong, I think the merging of Johto and Kanto was awesome and being able to get 16 badges was a very fun maximalist effort. But aside from the new Eevee additions and Houndoom there really aren’t a lot of new additions to the ol’ Pokedex that I’m gonna tell my grandkids about. They even added prequel Pokemon like Elekid and Magby for some unknown fucking reason, just to get me hot and bothered. 

6. Generation 6: X/Y

To be fair, generation 6’s graphics were on another level, had a lot of really fun new Pokemon (thank you, Delphox, and even introduced us to Fairy types. And Hawlucha might already be one of my 5 favorite Pokemon ever. I adore everything about Hawlucha. But throughout the game, you are gifted way too many free Pokemon. Really good ones, too. I don’t like it. Leveling up is easier than it’s ever been, too. Everything just feels too easy here. And worst of all, this is the generation that introduced us to Mega-Evolutions. Oh, how I hate Mega-Evolutions. They’re either superfluous add-ons for already great Pokemon, or a cop-out for not coming up with an organic evolutionary stage for ones that could use it. I DEMAND JUSTICE FOR SABLEYE.

 

Hopefully, the mega-evolutions get phased out and some better ideas get introduced in the next generation of games. Do not allow this app business to take your eyes away from the real prize, which is Pokemon Sun and Moon hitting stores this November. It should be lit. And if you disagree with my list in any way, just remember any legitimacy my opinion might possibly have is diminished once you realize that I am an adult writing about Pokemon.

The Dumbest Beatles Songs Ever
May 27, 2016 1:56 pm

While creating a catalog that’s stood the test of time and is universally adored by basically everyone, it’s amusing to see just how many stupid songs The Beatles were able to get away with. I love all of them, even the ones I say are terrible, but wow, there are simply alarmingly high levels of goofiness on a lot of their songs, especially in their later, more critically adored work.

All while bands of that era delved into psychedelic strangeness, obviously, but it would usually lead to more heaviness. For The Beatles, they always found the childlike wonderment in it, and could turn such a minimal idea into a song with so much room for interpretation. It’s a great testament to their dedication to production and their natural gifts as songwriters, because they seriously turned some of the dumbest ideas into timeless songs that would have been a completely forgotten about one-off novelty hit in less capable hands.

Bless these very dumb geniuses.

Mean Mr. Mustard

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x36m24b_mean-mr-mustard_shortfilms

Unsurprisingly, quite a few Abbey Road songs made this list. It’s incredible how detestable Mean Mr. Mustard the person is after just hearing about him within the confines of a 1 minute song. This guy comes off like a possible Roald Dahl character. My heart goes out to his sister Pam, who John Lennon then says looks like a man in the very next song like a real putzface. Who’s he to make that sort of comment about such a doting sister taking her dirtbag brother to see the Queen all the time? For shame.

Rocky Raccoon

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sif7Br-K1mI

This is basically a Bob Dylan parody. It’s not as good as Weird Al’s, but it was fine for the time. And there are a lot of really spot-on Dylan elements here: a bare boned acoustic guitar, intimate, non layered, vocals and more stupid harmonica than you could ever ask for.

Being For The Benefit Of Mr. Kite

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-CMOMYdIlI

John was feeling a little lazy during the recording process of Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band. That’s not often talked about because the best moments from the album were heavily John related, but it happened. My favorite example of this has to be the fact that basically every word from Mr. Kite was taken off a vintage circus poster. On one hand, it speaks to Lennon’s genius as a songwriter that he can eke a psychedelic pop gem out of such an arbitrary piece of inspiration. On the other, my heart truly goes out to Paul for having to hear what must have been the most half baked and aloof pitch for a song ever.

I Am The Walrus

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lM5VF5U1DBE

Anything off Magical Mystery Tour should just be accepted as silly for the sake of silly. A lot of weirdness happens on that album. But ‘I Am The Walrus’ is a special case, considering how its meaninglessly weird lyrics were inspired by the desire to spite a high school teacher who wrote to John Lennon to tell him that he taught a class that analyzed Beatles songs.

Part of me hopes that Lennon spent the rest of his life jabbing this teacher throughout the years. Like, every month or so, this working class teacher would get a letter in the mail from John Lennon, the most famous person in the world, and it would be is a booger smeared on a blank sheet of paper with the message ‘analyze this, dickhole’ written at the bottom. I’m being too mean to John Lennon right now. I’m sorry, Ghost Lennon. Let’s make fun of Ringo.

Octopus’s Garden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ArkKbQG1_Mw

I’m limiting this list to one Ringo song because I am a merciful human being. The thing is, most of these dumb Beatles songs are able to toe the line pretty well. The lyrical content might lean towards being a goofy kids song, but the production choices are usually stellar enough for it to be a compelling listen. With Ringo at the helm, they go full Wiggles with the corniness. The guitar tuning is so so cheesy. I hate it. There’s even that stupid little guitar plucking finale that’s usually reserved for fucking hee-haw. Ugh. The worst.

And Your Bird Can Sing

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5IHtYGzzbfg

The way ‘And Your Bird Can Sing’ is used here makes it seem as though John thinks it’s an already well known idiom or he’s trying to turn it into one. My mom does this all the time. Whenever I’m looking for something that winds up being in a place right in front of my face, she gleefully chants “water at the beach”. Because, you know, when you go to the beach, finding water is pretty easy. Hyuck hyuck. Well, that’s basically how I feel every time I hear this song. Just a failed attempt at trying to create a cool expression.

Maxwell’s Silver Hammer

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c93n53XSf2A

The cheeriest ditty you’ll ever hear about a out of control murderer. Maxwell kills a lot of people. It’s this cute, charming little character quirk of his. The most disturbing/my favorite part of this song is the little chuckle Paul McCartney has when saying the word ‘writing’ in the second verse about Maxwell’s teacher reprimanding him. Because he knows that Maxwell’s about to murder again. For Maxwell is Paul’s creation and Maxwell will do whatever is asked of him. Also, it seems as though both Paul and John have strained relationships with educators. Who knows what that’s about.

Helter Skelter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1eFJ8GqUyu4

Oh, and speaking of mass murderers… Look at all these connections I’m making! I mean, you’ve gotta get at least a few dumb points for inspiring one of the most psychotic minds of the last 50 years. Especially since the song is literally just Paul discussing what happens when he rides a roller coaster. Which says everything about the 8 year old boy essence of most Beatles songs. Their most hard rocking song ever is about a fun day at Six Flags.

BONUS

Piggies

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KGizYSCa-c

I’m just going to add ‘Piggies’ here at the end because watching this animated video of pigs shitting for 2 minutes and then a choir of pig shits singing at the end is mandatory viewing for everybody.