U NEED GIFTZ? I GIVE U GIFTZ

So you haven’t finished your “holiday” shopping yet, so what? You don’t need to do everything all at once. You’re a busy person, and that’s okay. We understand, and we’ve got you covered. Some of these gift ideas are way legit, and some of these are eye-rollers, but all of them are good ideas, and when it comes down to it you’re gonna have to respect a good idea. That’s called being a grown-up.

First up we have this badass hoodie.

audioengineerhoodie

It’s a good wear for sure, sturdy and stylish, but it’s true badassery comes from its “acoustically transparent” speaker cloth paneled hood. That’s right–gone are those silent, chilly days, caught between the need for over-ear headphones and the urge for a comfortable neck, scalp and upper forehead. Perfect for audio engineers, professional joggers, or anyone else who wears headphones all day or maybe just some of the time. Maybe you just like music and hoodies and you need something to wear. I don’t know, I’m just saying. Let’s move on.

Aerodrums

Aerodrums-Verpackung

This is for all the drummers out there, or at least every lonely jabroni thinking s/he can hit the sticks into something emotionally bearable. Just keep trying, as they say–it’ll sound good eventually. Of course I’m talking about the quiet and portable alternative to a real drum set, also known as “aerodrums” (or “magic drumless drumsticks” for us laypeople). These little miracles are made of plastic, electronics, and some sort of wood-like substitute that, when banged together just so, produce a realistic and totally radical drumset out of literally nothing at all. Far out! This is exactly how I picture myself in my dreams: playing drums for God in heaven–sans drums, of course–like Tommy Fucking Lee (minus the lameness, disease and actual drums. He’s diseased, right? Maybe another drummer then, I don’t know. Naming famous drummers isn’t really my thing. Travis Barker? Carter Beauford? Ringo?! Insert drummer here.) NOW IF ONLY YOU COULD AFFORD IT!

Here’s something you can afford: fruit. That’s right, put an apple in your mother’s stocking. She’ll fucking love it. “Oh how thoughtful, what a stellar child I’ve begat. Way better than your sister…” Oh how right she is. Nailed it, thanks mom.

Hey here’s another real “budget” idea (in case you’re shopping for any of your “budget” friends). It’s called not giving a fuck. Step 1: buy blank t-shirts. Step 2: buy markers. (These links are just for reference–buy these literally anywhere.) Step 3: go ham on these t-shirts. Don’t even think too hard about it. Say to yourself “this shirt is for cousin Brett” and then draw a crude, amateur portrait of Brett. Depict him realistically, with his stupid face and clothes, beside his stupid car and girlfriend. He’ll laugh, don’t worry. It’s no big deal, Brett can take a little holiday joke. Classic Brett.

You know what, I have a better idea. Draw the whole family together, but like in an infomercial or something. Real random and/or obscure, like the whole family got together to sell ladders or soap or whatever. Think of it like crazy internet photoshop, except with markers and t-shirts. Make 15 copies. Distribute periodically throughout the year.

Alright that’s enough “budget” gifts. Some people really take offense to that sort of thing. I don’t know, people are weird. But oh boy is this next gift idea totally legit. Don’t even worry. I’ll be honest–all this other shit I didn’t actually buy or use or even google that thoroughly. But the pick punch? Yeah, this I actually have. You bet your booty!

guitar punch

My brother gave it to me a while ago, and oh boy was it worth it. “Turn your old gift cards into guitar picks!” he tells me between hearty spoonfuls of pumpkin pie. It’s true, this device can turn your ordinary plastic shit into guitar-pick-shaped plastic shit. “Stop giving me gift cards!” I say, pie already thoroughly swallowed and partially digested. “But you love Starbucks!” he continues, making a fool out of himself. What an idiot. “Go fuck yourself!” I respond, reflecting the values so deeply entrenched into our society. Aren’t the holidays’ magical? Thank Jebus for the pick punch.

Straight up though, let’s keep the “guitars are cool as hell” ball rolling here. What if you’re shopping for a raging guitarist, legend of excellence? What if they polish their axe with a diaper and baby oil? We’re not ones to judge, we do plenty of weird shit when no one’s looking. Full disclosure, I only play my guitar/love-of-my-life after a deep, hearty lotioning of my fingertips. It is what it is, okay? Those strings are literally gold. No judgement, thanks. All I’m saying is what if you care about your guitar more than your actual waking life? You have 911 for if you almost die, right? Well say hello to 911 for your guitar. (WARNING: NOT A REAL PHONE NUMBER.)

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That’s right, in case of emergency please buy this for your friends, family or guitar-tech nerds. They’re people too, okay? They put their pants on one overzealous, misguided leg at a time. Only difference is once they’re finished with that, they give their heart to an inanimate object. It makes sense when you do it, okay? Guitars are awesome. If you disagree, well you can just shut up.

But what if you don’t have a guitar, or you don’t like guitars, or you don’t even know what I’m talking about? What even is a guitar? What an important question, I thought you’d never ask. What even is music? Is it just an aural expression of life, like fine art is visually? Where does art stop and reality begin? Who am I, how did I get here, and where am I going? Never stop asking these questions.

And hey if you’re really out of ideas, just buy your friends booze and candy so they can look like this all the time. I mean, it worked for me.

JCwed