WHY THE FUCK AM I REVIEWING “WHERE THE FUCK SHOULD I GO FOR DRINKS?”

When I want to get a drink, I’m not the type to Yelp, because I’m not a fun person. My preferences are all about bear cheapness, music being played at a reasonable volume and optimal seat availability. And the more sweatpants friendly the place is, the better.

My favorite local bar has all of these qualities. It also has karaoke every weekend that exclusively attracts middle-aged barflies who have made all the wrong decisions, and sing emotional ballads with the fervor that’s only attained after fully coming to terms with that level of failure. I never sing, but after one particular karaoke regular does his weekly heartbreaking rendition of My Way, I silently mumble, “that’s gonna be you someday, Greg” into my pint of Guinness. This bar as a 2.5 rating on Yelp.

Again, this doesn’t really matter to me. I really do not listen to what these sites or apps have to say. But it’s impossible to refuse what a site like Yelp has been able to do. Not only has it provided expansive coverage and categorization based on actual customer experience, it’s kind of left very little meat on the bone for other up-and-coming sites with similar aspirations. How can one possibly stand out above the fray when Yelp has seemingly perfected the art of eatery suggestion?

Hmmm, what if you curse a whole bunch?

Sure.

Enter WhereTheFuckShouldIGoForDrinks (WTFSIGFD for short), a site that was probably created by Eric Cartman circa 1999, with a pretty simple template: you tell them where you are, and they show you which bar to go to.

Intrigued by the moxie of it all, I decided to give WTFSIGFD a go. Maybe there’s another undiscovered dreggy paradise out there for me and I’ve been blind to it the whole time. With that in mind, I typed in my location.

Aaaaaaand….

statenIS

Outback Steakhouse. Not ideal. In their defense, they do give a ‘no, that place looks like shit’ option, so I was able to get a new suggestion.

fridays

What the fuck. Are these guys even tryi–

sephora

Okay, now they’re just fucking with me.

The obvious argument for WTFSIGFD is that, as a Staten Islander, there aren’t any cool places for me to go to, and if I were to search in a more hip neighborhood, like the Lower East Side, I’d have better luck. And I, of course, did have better luck:

les

library

For starters, they gave me an actual bar to drink at this time, and not just the wine section at Trader Joe’s. Progress.

But aside from the novelty of being cursed at by a website, there’s very little reason to ever go on this site, let alone pay $2 for the app. The bars suggested have no descriptions whatsoever, so you’re expected to walk into the place blindly. It’s kind of an interesting idea that goes against the Yelp establishment, but that’s not what’s being brought into the forefront here. And even if that’s what the app focused on, it’s still not worth $2, especially with such a poor database of places outside of the Metropolitan area.

For people looking to find a dependable bar with their specific preferences in mind, Yelp is still the place to go by far. It’s not even close. But hey, if you’re looking to experiment and have a swearing alcoholic tell you what to do, then by all means, give WhereTheFuckShouldIGoForDrinks a try. I’m going to stay with my depressing karaoke bar for lost souls. It’s the only atmosphere I’m comfortable with at this point.